Food
by Konichiwa Kitty
Summary: Orihime likes to cook, but sometimes her meals get a bit weird, don't they? And now she's cooking for the Espada... Humor, strange meals, and the occasional stereotype.
1. Nnoitra's a Cannibal

"Lunchtime!" Orihime called out from the kitchen, summoning the Espada like a dinner bell. Except it was lunch not dinner of course, so maybe it should be "like a lunch bell?" But Hueco Mundo's not school...and Orihime's voice doesn't go BRIIIIIINNNNNG! (or maybe it does)

The Espada, Aizen, Gin, and Tousen all shuffled into the room, wondering what Orihime's food was like. Sitting down at their seats, Orihime pranced out of the kitchen holding 14 huge plates of...something.

"One plate for Aizen-kun, one plate for Ichimaru-kun, one plate for Tousen-kun, one plate for Starrk-kun..." She began setting the plates down in front of them, as they stared dubiously at...whatever was on the plates. "...one for Aaroniero-kun, and two for Yammi-kun!" Setting the last plate down in front of Yammi, she stood to the side and smiled.

"Hey, why does Yammi get two plates and we only get one?" Grimmjow looked over at Orihime, pouting.

Orihime looked confusedly back at him. "Because Yammi-kun's so fat, he needs the extra food! Right, Yammi-kun?" She looked over at Yammi, who had a sad expression on his face as he stared down at his body.

"Nevermind the portions, what in Soul Society is this food?!" Szayel looked down at the...whatever was on the plates, eyebrows raised so high they were stuck in his hair.

"Oh, it's a new kind of food I read about on the Internet! Its made out of fried insects, light mayonnaise and canned peaches!" She grinned happily at them, not noticing how Gin and half of the Espada immediately spat their food out and excuses themselves, muttering about "business."

"Heh, it's actually pretty good!" Nnoitra was shoveling the food into his mouth hungrily, like...well, like a messy, underfed pig.

"I hate to agree with you, but it actually is! So what's in it, woman?" Grimmjow was even worse than Nnoitra, if that was possible; he looked like a living (figuratively) eating machine. A defective one.

"Ano...crickets, flies, grasshoppers, praying mantises..." Orihime began listing the ingredients with an intent look on her face.

Nnoitra's face blanched completely white, blending in with his spoon costume. "Praying...mantises?..." He spat out his mouthful of food, excusing himself from the table. Rushing out of the room, they could hear the sounds of retching coming from outside.

"What's gotten into him?" Grimmjow asked, still eating happily.

* * *

Yay! After a very long hiatus, this writer is back (maybe). This series is going to be about food..._food...**foooood...** _Because I like food ^^ And it's very fun to write about.


	2. Grimmjow's a Chinese Cat Eater

Orihime had made lunch again, and the Espada were seated around the table again (with the exception of Nnoitra, who was still sobbing in his room, vomiting his guts out). The previous day's meal was unmentioned by them, as they sat in hungry kindof-silence—broken only by an occasional monstrous stomach rumble from Yammi, who had started a new diet.

Once again, Orihime floated into the room, this time carrying bowls instead of plates. "One for Aizen-san, one for Ichimaru-kun, one for Tousen-san, one for Starrk-kun..." She finally got to Yammi, setting down a tiny kiddy bowl in front of him. "And one for Yammi-kun!"

Grimmjow immediately began shoveling it down, while Aaroniero looked around helplessly, wanting to flip the table at his inability to eat the food.

"What...is this?..." Ulquiorra stared down at his soup, actual traces of fear on his face as he wondered where the bits of fur and toenail clippings had come from.

"It's perfect for my aging teeth!" Baraggan drank his bowl down heartily, much less messy than Grimmjow was doing—lapping it up like a cat, sending splashes of whatever-food splashing everywhere.

"Well, this one's from an ancient Chinese recipe I saw somewhere! It's called Tián Māo Tāng!"

"What's in it?" Again, Szayel was the one to ask about its contents.

"Well, there's water to make it all stew-like, then some green peppers, brown sugar, sliced cucumbers...oh, and a random cat I found lying around in the kitchen! He looked already dead, it was so nice of the kitchen to have what I needed!"

All color left Grimmjow's face as he stopped eating, staring down at the bits of fur in what was left of his stew...

With a bang as his chair flew backwards, Grimmjow rushed out of the room, leaving a whirlwind in his wake. A moment later, everyone could hear his shouting.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MISTER WHISKERS!"

Orihime looked a bit worried. "I never knew Grimmjow-kun had a cat..."

Szayel sighed, pushing his bowl away again. "Key word in that sentence: _had._"

* * *

Tián Māo Tāng - Sweet Cat Soup

Doesn't Orihime realize her mistake?...xD Now I feel sorry for Grimmjow.


	3. Butterflies

"We're having fried insects again!...there don't seem to be any other ingredients in the kitchen..."

Nnoitra promptly rushed out of the room, Grimmjow racing in to take his place. As Orihime set his plate of fried insects in front of him, she glanced at him and nearly dropped her other plates in surprise.

"Grimmjow-kun! Why are your eyes?!..."

He looked up at her—or supposedly looked, for one could never tell with Asian/Gin eyes (they're basically the same). Especially eyes that were taped shut to look Asian/Gin. "I ate Mister Whiskers and enjoyed it...so now I'm a Chinese cat eater." His mouth went all squiggly in sadness. Nobody noticed the way Gin's smile grew just a little bit strained.

"..." Unsure how to respond, Orihime continued to pass out the other plates, setting down a little sake dish of fried insects in front of Yammi.

"And, I added another ingredient to the mixture! I just found a whole bunch of them today! They are...butterflies!"

Aizen began choking on his food, half-chewed insects spilling out of his mouth. Finally catching his breath, he threw his plate across the room, sending crispy bugs all over the Espada, the plate finally hitting the wall, rebounding off of it, and smacking Aizen back in the face, knocking him unconscious.

"What's with all you guys lately?...stop messing around and eat your food!" Grimmjow with his eyes taped shut couldn't see anything, and so thought they were being stupid again.

Orihime covered her mouth, eyes wide in horror.

Tousen, for once, had to agree with Grimmjow (since he couldn't see what was happening either, being blind and all).

Ulquiorra carefully picked the butterflies from his food, tossing them into Halibel's plate discreetly.

"...Did you use the rubber boomerang plates again, Orihime?" Starrk yawned, staring disinterestedly at the Aizen slumped over the table.

"Y-yes..." Orihime hung her head in shame. "Let's just continue eating...and don't throw our plates, everyone..."

Everyone did, and the only sound in the room was crunching.

Halibel wondered why there were so many butterflies on her plate, why did Ulquiorra not have any? "Here, Ulquiorra, have some butterflies." She dumped an entire handful onto his plate, missing his look of utter disgust.

* * *

Butterflaizen is not amused...

I wonder where I can get one of those rubber boomerang plates, they sound pretty cool.


	4. Shark Bait

"Lunch is ready!" Everyone trudged wearily to the room, wondering what oddity Orihime had prepared today.

"Today is sushi! One for Aizen-san, one for Ichimaru-kun, one for Tousen-kun, one for Starrk-kun..." Finally, she set a tiny pickle jar lid in front of Yammi, which had one tiny roll of sushi on it.

Grimmjow tore into his food, drool flying everywhere. Everyone else seemed relieved too, digging into their food that was at least kind of normal.

"Hey, what kind of sushi is this?" Szayel, ever the annoying, was again asking about the ingredients.

"Uh, it's made from shark—"

All eyes turned to Halibel except Grimmjow, who cut Orihime off with a love-filled shout of "I LOVE SHARK SUSHI!" But then he too realized the awkwardness of the moment, and turned his head around awkwardly, furious at being unable to see, and finally ripped the tape off his eyes, staring at Halibel along with the others.  
Wordlessly, Halibel generated a mini-Cero, incinerating the plate along with the sushi, then walked out of the room as everyone stared at her.

"—bait?..." All eyes turned back to Orihime. "I meant to say, it was made from shark bait!..." Her face looked around at all of them desperately. "Tuna, cod, mackerel, not shark! Oh, poor Halibel-chan..."

"Ulquiorra looked at Grimmjow. "This is all your fault."

"How is it my fault?!" Grimmjow objected.

"You cut the woman off before she could finish saying 'bait,' resulting in hurting Halibel's feelings."

"Bull!" Grimmjow glared angrily at Ulquiorra. "And since when were you so concerned about Halibel anyways?!"

"I-is it not natural to be concerned about your comrades?" Ulquiorra looked away, Grimmjow thinking he was trying to hide a blush.

"Ulquiorra and Halibel, sitting in a tree!..."

"Silence, trash."

"Now now, Ulquiorra!" Aizen looked up from his sushi. "I think your love for Halibel is very sweet!"

Nobody dared contradict Aizen. Poor Ulquiorra was teased mercilessly about his "crush" for days, until Aizen stopped it.

* * *

Ahhh, Orihime...xD You couldn't have just said the names of the fish in the first place?  
PS, Ulquiorra does not like Halibel and will never like Halibel (for me, at least).


	5. Race to the Toilets

"We're just having pizza today!" Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief at this as Orihime waltzed into the room, carrying 13 paper plates filled with pizza.

"One for Aizen-san, one for Ichimaru-kun, one for Tousen-kun, one for Starrk-kun..." Finally, she set down a stick of string cheese covered in tomato sauce in front of Yammi. "For your diet, Yammi-kun!"

Yammi stared down sadly at the string cheese, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. Finally he looked up (shouldn't it be down?) at Orihime, mouth all squiggly in sad desperation. "Can I just have a normal pizza like the others?..."

"But why, Yammi-kun?" Orihime was bewildered. "You were doing so well!"

"Me...me..." He stared at everyone around him, eating their pizza. "ME NO GUSTAAAAAAAA!" He rushed out of the room, breaking through the wall and leaving a Yammi-shaped hole in it.

Szayel inspected his pizza, eyebrows still stuck in his hair. "This pizza tastes kind of funny...what did you put in it?"

"Well, the normal! Tomato sauce, cheese—"

"I mean for the dough."

Orihime had to think on this one. "Umm...eggs, milk, flour..."

The entire room froze. Carefully Szayel asked, "where did you get the dough from?"

Now Orihime was confused. "From this green box that said FLOUR on it in really big letters..."

Instantly everyone was on their feet except for Aaroniero and Halibel. "RUN FOR THE TOILETS!" Szayel shouted, and a mad race to the toilets began.

Orihime was still confused, looking around at the now-vacant room. "Why did everybody leave all of a sudden?..."

"What was in that green box, IT WASN'T FLOUR."

"Ehhh?!" Orihime stared at Aaroniero in shock.

"No, it wasn't." Halibel mini-Cero-ed her pizza. "It was laxatives."


	6. Dog Food

"It's hot dogs today! And the flour this time isn't laxatives," Orihime added, carrying 16 huge platters of hot dogs out to where the Espada were seated.

Yammi's eyes became as large as the platters of hotdogs. Aaroniero felt like crying, only he/she/it couldn't. Szayel sighed in relief. Zommari ignored everyone. Grimmjow just stared off into space, drooling and dreaming of food. Nnoitra flashed his pearly whites around the room hungrily, accidentally blinding Baraggan. Ulquiorra was an Ulquiorra. Halibel sighed, wishing she could actually _eat._ Starrk snored loudly.

Orihime was a bit subdued by the Espada's reaction, but continued passing out the hot dogs. "One for Aizen-san, one for Ichimaru-kun..." She finished off with Yammi, setting the last three plates in front of him. "And three for Yammi-kun!"

The room was filled with the sound of munching. "Hmmm, this is actually quite good," Szayel observed. "What did you use for the sausages?"

"Eh, for the sausages? Well, I found this dead-looking doggy in the kitchen, so I decided to make them real hot _dogs!_ Aren't they delicious?"

Starrk sat bolt upright all of a sudden, sending his platter of hot dogs flying. "Lilynette!"

The room looked at him. "What?"

"Lilynette, where's Lilynette?! I haven't seen her all day! She likes to take the form a dog and sleep, sometimes..."

Everyone looked down at their food, and pushed it away (except for Tousen, he just pushed it away. Cause being blind and all, he couldn't look...) in disgust.

Starrk went into a fit, running out of the room and crying. "LILYNETTE! WHERE IN AIZEN'S CHAPPY PAJAMAS ARE YOU?!"

Everyone turned to look at Aizen, who had turned a shade of bright, bright red. "You wear...Chappy pajamas?..." Grimmjow asked.

"It is not unusual. I have a pair of Menos Grande pajamas in my closet." Ulquiorra retorted, standing up and waking out of the room. Most of the others followed his example, forming a conga line to the door. A silent, unhappy conga line that couldn't dance.

A moment later, Lilynette bounded in, hiding under the table. "Don't tell Starrk I'm here, okay?" she asked the remaining ones, again who were Halibel, Aaroniero and Orihime.

"So I didn't cook you? The hot dogs are perfectly normal?" Orihime was relieved.

Lilynette put on her best "wtf" mask. "I always knew we shouldn't trust you..."

* * *

Starrk's still out there searching for Lilynette...poor guy xD  
Judging from the reviews I've gotten, many of the readers seem to feel sorry for Yammi. But _this_ time, he got lots of food, yay \(^.^)\ /(^.^)/ So no worries there.

ArtsyreaderVOI, _I know you're there, you even wrote a review for me _*uses telekinesis to bring you forward* _Mwahahaha..._


	7. A Big Decision

Aizen was holding a meeting of the Espada. He sat with his hands in his lap, still shaking and slightly traumatized from the butterfly incident. "T-today we will b-be talking ab-bout..." He trailed off, sighing. "Gin, w-would you pleas-se brief them f-for me?"

"Sure thing, Aizen-sama! Well, you all came here ta protest 'bout that lady Orihime's cooking, didn't ya?" The Espada all nodded their heads. Gin's smile suddenly disappeared.

"Well, I got bad news for ya. Unless one of y'all," he pointed at them, "are willing ta cook lunch fer us every day, that lovely lady Orihime will continue to cook fer us, that clear?"

Grimmjow raised a hand. "Objection! What if we just go back to the way it was before, with no lunches?"

"Objection!" Yammi pounded his fist on the table. "I would get hungry!"

"Well of course you would, big lump of fat!" Nnoitra shouted at him.

"I'd get hungry as well..." Starrk became conscious long enough to voice his opinion, then fell back asleep.

"Though how he gets hungry with never even moving a muscle, I don't know!" Grimmjow was very, very angry. "Whatever you say, I am NOT eating her cooking again! She turned me into a—into a—" He sniffled, wiping his eyes. "A Chinese cat eater! And made Mister Whiskers into food!"

"He was dead anyways!"

"You shut up! He was not!"

The room burst into arguing, the Espada practically climbing all over the table to get their point across. Halibel and Aaroniero sat back from the fight, having no opinion on the subject, and Starrk just continued to sleep.

Finally, Gin clapped three times and slightly opened his eyes, giving all the Espada a miniature Glare. Everyone froze, then shamefully retreated back to their seats.  
"Now everyone, let's settle this like civil Arrancar now, shall we? Not like barbarians?" He smiled a sinister grin that made them tremble in their designer undies—er, shoes. "Now..."

* * *

Not knowing of their discussion, Orihime was in the kitchen, making...something. "Uh...since Ulquiorra-kun recently went to buy food, I can make so much!...What should I make, what should I make?..." She stared at all the food in the refrigerator, thinking...

"Orihime-chaaaaaan!" Gin floated into the kitchen, interrupting her thought process. "Ya don't need ta make lunch today! Or tomorrow, or the next day! In fact, y'don't need ta make lunch anymore, ever!" He beamed happily at her, surrounded by bubbles and glitter.

"..." "..." "..." Orihime stared at him uncomprehendingly, blinking several times. "Is it because they don't like my food?..." she asked with a wobbly lip.

"Ahhh...uhhhh..." Uncertainly, Gin reached through the door, pulling a half-asleep Starrk into the kitchen. "No, no! It's just that...uhhh...Aizen-sama wants...the Espada to, uhh, to learn some domestic skills! Yeah, that's it!"

"Oh, that's fine then!" Orihime smiled sunnily at Gin's bad poker face. "Now I finally have time to read that book everyone's been talking about, what was it called again?...Fifty Shades of...uh..."

Gin tried to keep his eyes from popping out of his head, shoving Starrk away further into the kitchen where he promptly fell asleep, head in the sink. "Grey? Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"Yeah, that's it!" Smiling happily, Orihime flounced out of the room. "Have fun cooking, Starrk!"

Gin glanced at the sleeping Primera. "Yeh...like any cooking's gonna happen with _him_ in 'ere..."

Several hours later, Orihime looked up from her book, sniffing the air. "What's burning?..."

A bit after that, Starrk was found sleeping unhurt in the burned-down remains of the kitchen, snoring peacefully.

Needless to say, none of the Espada had any lunch that day.

* * *

Ooooohhh, Orihime, you pervert...xD And as for Orihime not making food anymore...uh...*whispers* I got tired of making her make weird lunch meals *sweatdrop*  
I don't believe I've mentioned this before, have I?...Chapters 1-10 are already written out, and are on my deviantART account, first one is here art/Food-1-Nnoitra-s-a-Cannibal-315979777 ...

*bows herself out like a Canadian*


	8. Dusty

"...WHAT the **[BLEEP]** is **THIS**?!" Angirly, Grimmjow gestured to the plate in front of him, upon which sat a little pile of, um, dust.

"Can you not see? It is a plate of dust." Ulquiorra poked at his own dust pile with a spoon.

"Don't be a smartass with me! Are you _trying_ to poison/kill/starve/some-creative-way-of-death us, Baraggan?!" Grimmjow glared at the second Espada, who simply shrugged.

"I was too impatient and tried to hurry it up with my Arrogante's power...but kind of overdid it," he admitted. Grimmjow freaked.

"Overdid it?! _OVERDID IT?!_ This isn't 'overdone!' It's a pile of freaking _dust,_ for the love of Aizen's Chappy underwear!" Angrily, he stormed out of the room, Nnoitra, Szayel and Yammi following suit.

Halibel sighed, once again glad that she couldn't eat. Aaroniero stared down at his/her/its plate of dust, relieved as well...

Just then Orihime came into the room, holding several pipe-tube objects and some hand drills. "Thanks to Aizen-sama wanting all you guys to learn domestic skills, I've finally gotten some time of my own!" She held up the pipe-tube objects, pointing them at Aaroniero. "I used that time...to find a way to help Aaroniero-kun here eat!"  
Trembling in his/her/it's frilly outfit, Aaroniero tried to protest, but any noise he/she/it could've made was instantly drowned out by the high-pitched noisy whine of the drill as Orihime turned it on and began drilling through Aaroniero's tank-head-thing. The Espada watched on in [insert some emotion here] (except for Ulquiorra, cause we all know he's the king of no emotion!) as Orihime drilled through the tank-head-thing and stuck the pipe-tube objects in, trying to reach Aaroniero's two heads.  
"_Wait!_** We don't want to eat!** _We're happy the way we are!_"

"Nonsense!" Taking a spoon, Orihime took a spoonful of the dust and shoved it down the pipe-tube object which was now leading into Aaroniero's tank-head-thing. "I'm sure Baraggan-san's dust is very delicious!" She beamed at the old geez—ahem, Espada, who in turn smiled back. He instantly decided he rather enjoyed having this orange-haired human around, despite her odd foods...although the fried insects had been rather delicious.

Everyone watched as the dust slid into Aaroniero's tank-head-thing, waiting for a reaction.

Everyone was holding their breaths in anticipation of what would come.

Everyone except for Ulquiorra of course, who didn't care. He tried a spoonful of dust, found it rather flavorless, and reached over to sprinkle some salt and pepper on it.

Everyone watched in fascination as the dust mixed with the liquid in the tank-head-thing, instantly forming into something. Not noticing, Orihime shoved another spoonful of dust down the pipe-tube object, then another, and another, and another...

Ulquiorra, who was enjoying his dust, suddenly began choking, having realized too late that the "pepper" was actually little grains of lead. Alas, he had already eaten too much of it to be able to cough out everything, and would enjoy some rather interesting bowel movements later that evening...

"_Aaaaaaaiiiiiii_**AAAAAII**_iiiiaaaii_**IIIIIIIIAAAA**_aaaa_!" The horrendous scream came from Aaroniero, who wailed in terror as the dust slowly mixed with the liquid in his tank-head-thing to form a clear, cement-like gloop that slowly was sealing him/her/it away...

Ignoring the horrible screaming, Ulquiorra coughed out the last bits of his lead-and-dust, before grabbing his stomach in agony and rushing out of the room.  
After a very long while, Aaroniero's screams finally died down, sealed off by the cement-like goo that now filled the inside of his tank-head-thing. Just noticing the horrified looks of the Espada around her, Orihime looked down to where she was still putting spoonful after spoonful of dust in the pipe-tube object...

Needless to say, there was a great deal of commotion after that. Aaroniero, sadly, was unable to meet at the lunch table for the next three days, missing out on quite a bit of good food (not that he/she/it would've been able to eat it anyways, but...).

* * *

Ah, the woes of impatience. Baraggan definitely learned his lesson...hopefully. And since when did lead give the Arrancar disturbing stomach problems?...hehe.  
Thanks to ~nnoitraclone (deviantART) for the idea of Orihime drilling through Aaroniero's helmet and tube feeding him!

Also, I extend a thanks to my reviewers :D Apologies for not replying to any of the reviews... *SociallyAwkwardPenguin* But, thank you guys :D I do a little dance of happiness each time I see a new review/favorite/follow.

Ahh, here where I am it's snowing...November snow, I love early-ish snow. But I digress. With December so near, happy holidays to anyone who celebrates!


	9. (BLEEP)

"I hope we get some _real _food today..." Can you guess who it is? Yes, it is Grimmjow, complaining again.

"It's the only one among us who actually belongs in the kitchen, of course we're gonna get something good!" Nnoitra sat back in his chair, yawning.

"Says the one who!...uh...just insulted the cook..." Snickering, Grimmjow looked over to where Halibel had just emerged from the kitchen carrying 10 huge plates, right on time to overhear the insult. Yellow anger floated off her in brightly colored wisps of reiatsu.

"They," she gestured to all the Espada except Nnoitra, "are getting something good." She glared directly at the spoon (snicker), sending him a very angry Glare. Nnoitra gulped. "You, however, get something else. And you have to eat _every single bite of it._"

She whooshed around, setting down plates in front of everyone except Nnoitra, putting his plate down in front of Yammi who grinned and drooled like...like the hungry caterpillar in that children's book The Hungry Caterpillar (was that what it was called?...). Stepping back into the kitchen, she stepped back out with a huge plate of crunchy somethings, putting it on the table in front of Nnoitra.

"Freshly fried praying mantises, spoonhead! I know they're you're favorite, so eat up!" Ignoring his cries for mercy, Halibel shoved Nnoitra's head down into the plate of fried praying mantises, ignoring the fearful sideways glances most of the other Espada gave her.

Well, most of the Espada except Ulquiorra. Because he just didn't care.

And Grimmjow and Yammi. Both were too busy shoveling food into their mouths (in the most _disgusting_ way possible, Aizen thought) to notice the room's temperature dropping by a few degrees. In fact, the only sounds inside the room besides Nnoitra's whimpers (he'd get _so_much grief for that later) was the sounds of food being chewed inside Grimmjow's and Yammi's mouths. But mostly Yammi's.

After an extremely long awkward pause, Aizen finally couldn't take it anymore. "Grimmjow! Yammi! Shut the **[BLEEP]** up!"

"No way! Halibel's sushi is waaaay too delicious, poopy-hair." Polishing off the last of his sushi, Grimmjow handed his plate to Halibel (who was still pushing Nnoitra's head into the plate of mantises). "Can I has more, pweaaaase? And gimme more tuna rolls, okay? I reaaaally like tuna." He put on the most adorable Grimmkitty face anyone has ever seen, even adding some sparkles in.

"No."

Cute Grimmkitty deflated, being replaced by tearful Grimmkitty. "But...but why?" Tears (fake) began running from his eyes, as he sat on the ground and started sniffling. "Halibel-chan's sushi is so delicious, so enviably delectable, so mouth-wateringly scrumptiously filling, so—"

"The humongous vocabulary doesn't fit with that cute face."

Merciless as ever, the adorableness of tearful Grimmkitty was once again defeated by the Big Bad Shark, aka Halibel. Falling over, he curled up in the fetal position, twitching occasionally and drooling from the corner of his mouth.

Ulquiorra sighed, pushing his plate of unfinished sushi away. "The sushi was all very delicious, except for the shrimp t—" A blue hour rushed past him, turning out to be Grimmjow who'd used the fastest Sonido anyone (even Zommari) had seen to take the leftover sushi. Which he was currently shoving into his face in the hallway where Halibel couldn't get him.

"—empura rolls...not that it seems to matter anymore..."

Aizen sighed. "Well, at least it seems to have worked out...fine...ah, perhaps not..." He glanced uncomfortably at the yellow reiatsu rising from Halibel, who shoved Nnoitra's face into the plate menacingly. The sound of his teeth scraping painfully against the plate filled up the silence in the room.

Everyone stiffened suddenly as they heard a loud crack, looking around to see where it came from. Then came another crack, and another.

"Wha—" Szayel didn't even get the chance to finish his word before the table broke, Nnoitra's face being slammed into the ground with the force of an angry Halibel's arm. Immense clouds of dust rose up, due to the area beneath the table never being cleaned. Barragan exploded into a coughing fit.

There was an even longer silence, as everyone waited for the dust clouds to disperse, broken only by Barragan's hacking. Aizen sighed.

"This..."

At that moment, Orihime decided to enter the room. She stared around at the dim shapes of everyone in the dust clouds, mouth forming a small "o."

A single surviving praying mantis jumped out and landed on her nose, staring quizzically at Orihime. After a moment's pause, she started cooing and gushing baby talk at it while everyone (minus for Nnoitra, seeing as his face was still stuck in the ground) stared in some form of shock. Except for Ulquiorra, because he simply didn't care.

* * *

Oh, Nnoitra...why you so sexist...xD


	10. Feeding Frenzy

Ulquiorra peered from the kitchen, making sure everyone who could come had come (seeing as several were suffering from injuries and such). Tousen was taking care of his flock of pet Menos...Barragan was in the infirmary, he'd heard...Nnoitra had some teeth issues...Aaroniero was still recovering from the "pipe-feeding" incident...

Ulquiorra sighed, grabbing the cooler from the counter and walking out. It was amazing, really, how rapidly their numbers could decrease just from food-related incidents. As he walked into the room, everyone turned and stared at him. Ulquiorra payed their stares no attention, walking around and handing out the food—a single juice box.

Yammi's lower lip trembled and his eyes began to water. "Is...is this all there is?..."

"There's one more thing." Yammi's eyes lit up like an exploding star, as Ulquiorra grabbed something else from the cooler and began handing it out to everyone, starting with Yammi.

Alas, the tenth Espada's eyes began watering even more, sniffling as the single lonely apricot was set before him. Everyone stared to see his reaction, as Ulquiorra continued passing out th—

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHH! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!" Yammi threw the juice box and apricot down his throat and swallowed without chewing, running out of the room and leaving a miniature salt river of tears in his wake.

Aizen sighed, ignoring the wailing coming from the hallway and the new Yammi-shaped hole decorating the wall, choosing instead to inspect the apricot suspiciously before taking a large chomp.

Szayel sighed, biting into his apricot as well. "There goes yet _another _hole I have to fix..." he muttered with his mouth full. All the other Espada, as well, began munching on their apricots.

Curious, Halibel picked up her juice box, as she was unable to eat the apricot. "Hmm, I wonder what flavor this is? It's not marked," she said as she stabbed the straw into the hole to create an opening, intending to at least smell it to determine its flavor, even if she couldn't drink it either.

Aizen choked on his apricot, seeing there was half a worm in there for some reason and realizing the other half was in his mouth. He felt like a semi-cannibal. His choking filled up the awkward silence in the room.

Nobody was prepared for the massive blast of yellow reiatsu which blew away another one of the room's walls. "Not another one!" Szayel exclaimed in protest. In the middle of the golden tornado stood Halibel.

"BLOOOOOOD! FOOOOOD! WHERE IS THE FOOOOOD?!" The angry, loud shouts coming from her were completely new to all of them (even Aizen). Instead of waiting for an answer, Halibel ran away, crashing through a _third_wall and leaving a Halibel+reiatsu hole through it. Szayel moaned, falling back into the remains of his chair in despair. The Espada could hear something resembling "FOOD! BLOOD!" being screamed by Halibel as she disappeared into the distance, getting fainter and fainter until they couldn't hear it anymore.

"What was all that about?" Zommari asked, disturbed for once.

"Erm..." Everyone looked over at Szayel's sprawled form on the ground as he answered. "It appears that Ulquiorra here handed out juice boxes filled with blood, the smell of which incited Halibel into a 'feeding frenzy' mode..."

Instantaneously, multiple juice boxes were thrown or dropped onto the ground. "Nice to know..." Grimmjow muttered, heading out of the room. Most of the other Espada followed suit, leaving Aizen, Szayel, and Ulquiorra alone in the wrecked room.

"Oops."

"...you do know you're cleaning and fixing this up, right, Szayel?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" It was said that Szayel's scream could be heard through the World of the Living all the way into Soul Society, though these claims are slightly doubtable...

* * *

Oh Ulqui...xD For this story (if there's any confusion) Blood=vampire bats, apricot is fruit=fruit bats. Hehe.


End file.
